No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
