would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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