in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
