I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
