Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
she told me i tasted like america
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
