'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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