So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
