I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
