how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
