Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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