Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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