i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
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