My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
