I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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