The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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