Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
