Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
