I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The Olympian is in my bed
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
