I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
