Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
