My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
