I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
