I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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