Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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