Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
