I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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