Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
