It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
