Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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