He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
