But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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