are you still at the devil's house?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Two words: nipple clamps
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