oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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