I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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