Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
