i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
