i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
