if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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