I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
