I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My Higher Power is John Stamos
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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