so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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