i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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