I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
