if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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