i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
