Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
