Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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