I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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