the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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