I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
