Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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